Sexism and Patriarchy in Korea

Korean and American culture are extremely different – in many ways they are quite opposite. Americans believe in equality and a high-degree of personal freedom, and Koreans live in an ancient society governed by deeply conservative Confucian rules. One of the ways that Korean culture is really different is that it is very patriarchal. Not that sexism and patriarchy don't exist in the West; we have a long way to go. But shit is a lot more extreme here...

Americans, like most people in Western countries, enjoy a great deal of cultural freedom. When we are still pretty young, most Americans live with a great deal of independence. College kids in the US often get their own apartments, and live their own lives. They are (relatively) free to date whoever they like. Their parents might not like the person they end up with, or marry, but generally kids get to choose their own partners. In Korea however, young people – commonly into their late 20’s, or until they get married – almost always live with their parents. Korean parents also stay very involved with their kids’ lives. At an age when most Americans are no longer asking parents for permission to do things, Koreans still have to ask for permission to travel, to date someone, to choose where they go to school and what classes they take, to have the career they want, to marry, and to do lots of other things. When I go out on a Saturday night with one of my Korean friends, a chick who is almost thirty, her parents call her and demand that she come home around 11:00 or 12:00. She is 29 and she has a curfew. They usually send her brother to come pick her up, because they don’t trust her to find her own way home safely.

Korean culture is very, very patriarchal. Korean men are the undisputed kings of the family, and masters of the household. They are the breadwinners, and make most – if not all - of the important decisions. And they often expect to be cooked and cleaned for without doing much in return. Actually, the middle-aged Korean guys that came to the hagwon I worked at shocked me, by telling me that housework was “women’s work” and not important. And these were educated guys! A Korean Canadian friend once told me that he wanted to marry soon, and “wanted to find a wife who will be submissive and do a good job raising the kids.” The flat unabashed sexism of this statement really shocked me, not least because the friend in question is my age - under 30, and because he has been a Canadian citizen since he was a child. Sexism and male dominance are really serious issues in Asian culture.

Politeness and proper action are very important in traditional Confucian culture. The ancient Chinese-derived belief system prescribes everyone a station in life, with obligations that they must adhere to in order to be morally virtuous. And women, not surprisingly, fall rather low on the totem pole. Girls are to be the property of their parents until marriage, and after marriage they are expected to be obedient wives to their husbands. Arranged marriages were the norm in Korea until only a few decades ago, and many young Koreans still don’t really feel free to choose their own partner. Parental influence and control still has lots of sway. Simply put, Korean kids don’t have much freedom – and things are twice as hard for girls.

Speaking of marriage, under Korean law, men still have almost all the legal power. If a Korean women divorces her husband she will find herself homeless, since all the property is always in the husband’s name. She will have no assets, since the husband owns everything. She will be destitute, and if she has kids she could also easily lose all custody rights to her children, since the father is considered more important. Men control the whole ball of wax, and the whole thing is rigged to keep women dependant and submissive.

Korean women joined the workforce en masse a few decades ago. However, for many years the only jobs available were occupations like being a secretary. Women were hired to be young, pretty, obedient, and to make coffee. There was no opportunity for advancement, and they were expected to get married and quit working before they hit 30. Many Korean women still feel this kind of pressure at work, and some marry because they see no other way to achieve financial security. There is still a serious paucity of good jobs for Korean women, and many still have trouble really living independently. Just like in the West, although more extreme in degree, Korean women are paid less, expected to work more, discriminated against, and generally taken advantage of at work.

Korean culture is pervaded with entrenched sexism and gender inequality. The whole notion of equality, I should point out, is very new and foreign - very Western. Confucianism advocates proper action and harmony - between people who are seen as inherently unequal. Equality has nothing to do with it. Rather, the sacred harmony of Confucianism is achieved when everyone in society knows their place, and sticks to it. Women are submissive to men, children to parents, workers to their bosses, and subjects are subserviant to rulers.

All this places women near the bottom of society. Korean women are raised to accept as inevitable many things that Western women would find appalling. Domineering husbands, insulting boyfriends, overbearing bosses, you name it. Workplace sexual harassment lawsuits are unheard of in patriarchal Korea, and there are lots of stories about groping and sexual-advance-making executives, especially during the mandatory after-work heavy drinking sessions with the office crew (hwaesik in Korean). Women who are not considered attractive will have a terrible time in life, since they will be openly discriminated against and told that they are not pretty enough during job interviews. None of this is illegal or frowned up in Korea.  And if that is what flies in the workplace, then imagine what life is like here in the private sphere. 

Most Korean men have no idea how to cook anything, and do not want to learn. Recently, a Western friend of mine told me a story about how a (foreign) friend and his Korean wife had a dinner party. They invited a bunch of Korean friends over, and the husband was busily helping his wife prepare and clean up during and after the meal. The Korean dudes were all sitting around relaxing. And apparently the Korean guys were pissed, because this foreigner was coming into their lives and showing their wives an example that made them look terrible.

The last example I want to give about Korean patriarchy is the way Korean culture deals with some of patriarchy’s most serious manifestations – physical violence against women. Many Korean women fear being sexually assaulted, and for good reason. Almost all sexual assaults in Korea go unreported, and women who have been raped or sexually assaulted are expected to keep quiet about it. Otherwise they will bring shame to their families. Women fear being disowned as a punishment for talking about something like that. A classmate of mine at Yonsei University had a female Korean friend who got raped, and she never told her family, or anyone else. She knew that if she talked about it, her father would disown her for admitted that something so shameful had happened to her. 


Women also do not go to the police, because very few people in Korea trust them. Until not too long ago, when the military dictatorship ended, the main job of the Korean police was to arrest and torture people that were causing problems for the regime. Many, many college students were killed at their hands in the late '80's for joining pro-democracy protests. Honestly, I have very little idea what the police actually do in Seoul. I have almost never seen them doing anything that looks like police work. Mostly I just see them standing around watching traffic, or tooling around aimlessly in their patrol cars. Not long ago an American coworker of mine saw a young Korean man hitting his girlfriend in the face - across the street from a police station. He was horrified, and other people were simply ignoring the situation and walking by as though nothing were happening. So he went into the police station and told them that an assault was happening across the street. A police officer stuck his head outside the door, and told the American, "It's okay. They know each other." 


This brings up another huge issue: there is a fair amount of unreported and unacknowledged domestic abuse in Korea. Such situations are almost always swept under the rug. The general belief seems to be that domestic abuse is a private matter - and should not be interfered with by anyone outside the family. No one else should get involved or talk about it, because that is simply not proper or acceptable. 


My last roommate was an emotionally troubled Korean girl who suffered a lot of physical abuse from her violent alcoholic dad, and a brother who grew up to be the same way. I personally have seen domineering Korean guys pushing their girlfriends around in pretty rough ways. And many, many Western men living in Korea have stories about watching in horror as a Korean guy beats up his girlfriend in public - while bystanders watch and do nothing. There are also lots of related stories about foreign men trying to intervene in such situations, and then finding themselves arrested and blamed for the whole incident.

Patriarchy really is a bitch to live with. And in Korean culture, as in Asian cultures in general, men run the show. Always, and everywhere. And they can be fairly relentless in ensuring that their dominance of everything is not threatened. I see a lot of symbolic violence in Korean culture that seems like a manifestation of the need many Korean men feel to police the boundaries of their control over the culture. And even when there is not physical violence, I see a lot of emotional and psychological violence going on. And being tolerated, to a degree that really bothers me. 

In my next post I will be talking about how the profound gender inequality of Korean culture has serious implications for the Western guys that come here and date Korean women – something I have been personally confronted with lately in pretty dramatic ways.